OSTRUM, MD – Pundits are raising alarms at the rapid rate of staff loss in the William G. Wonka administration. More than 70% of high level cabinet members and advisors have left under suspicious circumstances.
German-born Secretary of State Augustus Gloop was the first to go, vanishing into a river at one point before reappearing in exile. His mother, who had been on board as well, left with him.
Press Secretary Veruca Salt, Secretary of Agriculture Violet Beauregarde, and Attorney General Mike Teavee all departed comparatively early. Each was fired in a very public, humiliating fashion.
“He made me feel about this big,” said Teavee, standing to reveal that he had been miniaturized.
“We had some bad eggs,” said Chief of Staff Arthur Slugworth, Wonka’s longest-serving cabinet member. Slugworth, in turn, has been accused by some departing officials of tendering bribes. “It’s all lies and slander. Look at what the Salts did.”
Presently, only Secretary of Commerce Charles Bucket, Ambassador to the U.N. Grandpa Joe, and Slugworth remain, along with a skeleton staff of Oompa-Loompas.