WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Wonka Administration criticized for high turnover rate

OSTRUM, MD – Pundits are raising alarms at the rapid rate of staff loss in the William G. Wonka administration. More than 70% of high level cabinet members and advisors have left under suspicious circumstances.

German-born Secretary of State Augustus Gloop was the first to go, vanishing into a river at one point before reappearing in exile. His mother, who had been on board as well, left with him.

Press Secretary Veruca Salt, Secretary of Agriculture Violet Beauregarde, and Attorney General Mike Teavee all departed comparatively early. Each was fired in a very public, humiliating fashion.

“He made me feel about this big,” said Teavee, standing to reveal that he had been miniaturized.

“We had some bad eggs,” said Chief of Staff Arthur Slugworth, Wonka’s longest-serving cabinet member. Slugworth, in turn, has been accused by some departing officials of tendering bribes. “It’s all lies and slander. Look at what the Salts did.”

Presently, only Secretary of Commerce Charles Bucket, Ambassador to the U.N. Grandpa Joe, and Slugworth remain, along with a skeleton staff of Oompa-Loompas.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Neighborhood hit by outbreak of Stuccococcus

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Effort to download song escalates into computer reformat

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The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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