WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Whoop Ass now available in snack pack size

Open up a cup of Whoop Ass.

CHICAGO – Fans of the ever-popular Can of Whoop-Ass may now purchase the walloping in smaller form, the Cup of Whoop-Ass.

“Sometimes you don’t need to open a whole can,” said Buck Dunwall, product representative. “Just a little Whoop-Ass will do.”

Cup of Whoop-Ass is available in several new flavors, including Pummelgranate, Peach Clobber, ThumpBerry, and Tropical Punch.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Geologists puzzled by fossilized layer of unpaired socks

Geologists puzzled by fossilized layer of unpaired socks

WESTERN SAHARA – Scientists working on a dig site at the edge of the Sahara Desert have discovered a previously

Constellation names updated to reflect modern tastes, sponsors

Constellation names updated to reflect modern tastes, sponsors

TAMPA, FL – Reflecting modern technology, sensibilities and brands, the Global Panel on Commerce and Constellation Naming (GPCCN) has passed

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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