WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Which is another reason I like non sequiturs

Every single one of them. Both times.

SOUTH DETROIT – Nobody ever talks about Weebles anymore. There could be a dozen Thursdays on this itinerary, and it still wouldn’t make a difference. You guys went there too, right?

One thing I’ve learned about cats is that they will not take pills, with or without pill pockets. You can rewind it with just a pencil. Sixteen moons at last count, but they’re still looking. Double-stuffing!

Hold up the card and make a hissing sound with your teeth. Chronic foot pain sufferer, too, and not just because of Edwin. It’s really more of a conspiracy hypothesis. If Artificial Intelligence could write them, there probably wouldn’t be any more representatives at drug stores. This is the part where they jump the creek, but look at how there’s not a ramp there.

Popcorn, nothing but popcorn. Where did the feet go?

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Dishes must soak, contend nation’s husbands

Dishes must soak, contend nation’s husbands

OLIVE PALMS – Those dishes have lots of dried up grime and should soak for a while, according to an

This will change the way you watch “Toy Story”

This will change the way you watch “Toy Story”

Forget everything you thought you knew about Pixar’s first feature film, Toy Story. The groundbreaking computer animated buddy adventure comedy already

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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