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What is this bizarre mystery creature that washe– oh, it’s a decomposed sturgeon

"It was a whole lot scarier when we allowed ourselves to make wild, uneducated assumptions."

PISMO BEACH, CA – A terrifying carcass washed ashore this week, prompting locals to give it fanciful names like Chupacarpa, Devil Bearfish, Fishquatch and Yetipus. A biology teacher from a nearby high school determined that it was simply a white sturgeon.

The creature was about 3 meters long and had features like a fish, a sea lion, a bucket of raw chicken entrails and a mermaid. The teacher reiterated that it was a sturgeon (a species of fish) that had partially decomposed, changing its appearance into a less familiar form.

Several onlookers shrieked in horror and wondered aloud if the devil incarnate had come to Pismo Beach, but the teacher was quick to reassure them that this was a completely natural occurrence. The “unholy stench” attributed by beholders to the unexplained beast, he claimed, was due to bacterial forces rotting the flesh “as happens with every living thing.”

Local media, emergency personnel and paranormal investigators have been contacted to come to the scene. Temporary residences have been set up at the beach while t-shirt vendors prepare for waves of sightseers. An exorcism is planned for this evening.

Seagulls and crabs had scavenged most of the baffling sea monster by late afternoon, but a makeshift monument identifies the place where a more permanent landmark will be installed later.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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