WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Voters recovering from CNNosis, MSNBCmia, SmallFOX

ATLANTA – Weary voters and viewers of cable news channels are slowly getting over record numbers of ailments such as CNNosis, an affliction dating back to the early 1980s that inhibits the sufferer’s ability to separate from 24-hour coverage. People who contract CNNosis frequently report blurred vision, insomnia and blitzers.

The prevalence of round-the-clock coverage and DVR technology has contributed to the spread, especially in times of large news stories like the 2008 presidential election.

Variants of the increasingly common disease have multiplied in recent years, including MSNBCmia, which can cause bleeding from the left ventricle. Olbermann Syndrome is the most common symptom, expressed as articulate indignation.

SmallFOX, which rarely affects those inflicted with MSNBCmia, brings a rash of outrage and a narrowing of vision. The nuance gland atrophies, and the sufferer develops acute jingo.

The only known treatment for these ailments is avoidance, although fresh air can help reduce the condition down to NPRenza, a much milder illness. In fact, many people carry the disease unknowingly because the symptoms are quite subdued.

Much more virulent is malignant talkradioma, which causes violent verbal outbursts and loss of ability to form coherent thoughts. Strains of talkradioma also infect the online environment, crippling discourse and destroying entire colonies of thought.

Relatively benign, ESPNoma can accompany any of the cable news maladies. Mostly male victims develop fantastical delusions in which hybrid sports teams of their selection play for their personal entertainment.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) currently has little information on these and other media diseases such as ChickenFOX, CNBCephalitis and CBStrophy. A spokesperson said results of a study would be released soon and quoted sporadically on news shows before commercial breaks.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Popular
To SK8 is not a crime; V&alism is
CRIME

To SK8 is not a crime; V&alism is

Nature documentary soundtrack a little suggestive
EDUCATION

Nature documentary soundtrack a little suggestive

ATTENBOROUGH, IOWA – The music accompanying the mating ritual scene of a documentary film on water buffalo crossed the boundary

Advertisement
Categories
Archives
0.0
BY THE NUMBERS
The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top