ATLANTA – Weary voters and viewers of cable news channels are slowly getting over record numbers of ailments such as CNNosis, an affliction dating back to the early 1980s that inhibits the sufferer’s ability to separate from 24-hour coverage. People who contract CNNosis frequently report blurred vision, insomnia and blitzers.
The prevalence of round-the-clock coverage and DVR technology has contributed to the spread, especially in times of large news stories like the 2008 presidential election.
Variants of the increasingly common disease have multiplied in recent years, including MSNBCmia, which can cause bleeding from the left ventricle. Olbermann Syndrome is the most common symptom, expressed as articulate indignation.
SmallFOX, which rarely affects those inflicted with MSNBCmia, brings a rash of outrage and a narrowing of vision. The nuance gland atrophies, and the sufferer develops acute jingo.
The only known treatment for these ailments is avoidance, although fresh air can help reduce the condition down to NPRenza, a much milder illness. In fact, many people carry the disease unknowingly because the symptoms are quite subdued.
Much more virulent is malignant talkradioma, which causes violent verbal outbursts and loss of ability to form coherent thoughts. Strains of talkradioma also infect the online environment, crippling discourse and destroying entire colonies of thought.
Relatively benign, ESPNoma can accompany any of the cable news maladies. Mostly male victims develop fantastical delusions in which hybrid sports teams of their selection play for their personal entertainment.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) currently has little information on these and other media diseases such as ChickenFOX, CNBCephalitis and CBStrophy. A spokesperson said results of a study would be released soon and quoted sporadically on news shows before commercial breaks.