WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

UPDATE: Mars Rover stripped in bad section of crater

VICTORIA CRATER, MARS – Four years into its journey to explore the surface of Mars, NASA’s Mars Exploration Rover has been stripped of all six wheels. An earlier story about recent upgrades may have brought unwanted attention to the expensive vehicle.

Despite having an onboard camera, the Rover did not capture an image of the culprits. The scene of the crime was Colfax Escarpment, known to astronomers as the “sketchy part” of Victoria Crater.

“We believe they worked as a team, because they got those wheels off fast,” said lead Rover brake specialist Doug Prinimay. “But we have no clue as to who ‘they’ might be.”

The Rover team had some disagreement over whether to install an alarm system or a set of chrome rims, which won funding.

The team plans to continue exploring the area immediately surrounding the Rover.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

White House to pre-discredit all future employees

White House to pre-discredit all future employees

WASHINGTON, DC – After the release of former press secretary Scott McClellan’s embarrassing and accusatory memoir What Happened, the White

PistePot allows skiers to take a mountain pass

PistePot allows skiers to take a mountain pass

TURTLEHEAD CREEK – The newest innovation for the skiing season ahead is one that goes behind you: a toilet that

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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