WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
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POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away
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Archive Image

Trump Campaign Still Launching Election Fraud Lawsuits Out Of Sheer Habit
LEGAL

Trump Campaign Still Launching Election Fraud Lawsuits Out Of Sheer Habit

November 25, 2020

ALLENTOWN, PA – President Trump’s campaign legal team is continuing to criss-cross the nation in futile efforts to overturn the

Read More »
Hansel And Gretel Secure Path Home By Replacing Bread Crumbs With Circus Peanuts
UNCATEGORIZED

Hansel And Gretel Secure Path Home By Replacing Bread Crumbs With Circus Peanuts

November 16, 2020

IRGENDWOHIN, GERMANY – The two children of a poor woodcutter have solved the problem of vanishing bread crumbs by using

Read More »
Chicken Pot Pie To Be Used As Energy Storage Medium
ENERGY

Chicken Pot Pie To Be Used As Energy Storage Medium

November 12, 2020

STILLWATER, NV – Researchers have solved an age-old problem in energy production with an age-old solution: Chicken pot pie. “The

Read More »
Amazing New Technology Generates Electrical Power From Cynicism
BUSINESS

Amazing New Technology Generates Electrical Power From Cynicism

November 6, 2020

Researchers have achieved a revolutionary breakthrough that allows cynical impulses generated by humans to be converted into electrical energy.

Read More »
Southerner In New York City Unable To Find Decent Bowl Of Grits
CULTURE

Southerner In New York City Unable To Find Decent Bowl Of Grits

February 4, 2020

NEW YORK – A tourist to New York City reports that he was unsuccessful in his search for a properly

Read More »
Lanes To Be Closed On Interstate Just Because
METRO

Lanes To Be Closed On Interstate Just Because

February 3, 2020

STALLVILLE – Thousands of commuters on their way home today encountered three of five lanes on the cross-town connector blocked off

Read More »
Power Struggle At Bake Sale Turns Ugly
FOOD

Power Struggle At Bake Sale Turns Ugly

January 10, 2020

MILFORD – A battle of wills took place this afternoon at the Milford Ladies’ League bake sale, leading to some

Read More »
Office To Add “Do Whatever” Button To Alignment Options
CONSUMER

Office To Add “Do Whatever” Button To Alignment Options

September 1, 2019

REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their

Read More »
Bison At Yellowstone Park Know What Traffic Is, They Are Just Messing With You
LIFE

Bison At Yellowstone Park Know What Traffic Is, They Are Just Messing With You

May 19, 2019

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, WY – Despite helpful commentary from park rangers, who warn drivers to give deference to bison wandering

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Cigar Smoker Apologizes, Changes Location
CULTURE

Cigar Smoker Apologizes, Changes Location

May 17, 2019

BABACA, FL – Cigar aficionado Rick Marsho was enjoying an El Cabrón on the patio of The Red Tide Grill,

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Symphony orchestra bristles at being called cover band
ARTS

Symphony orchestra bristles at being called cover band

Mulligan Stewart February 2, 2009

VIENNA, NE – The Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra responded sharply to the group’s characterization in local media as a “cover band”.

Happy Birthday Carl Friedrich Gauss!
DESIGN

Happy Birthday Carl Friedrich Gauss!

Mulligan Stewart April 30, 2008

Today we celebrate the German mathematician Johann Carl Friedrich Gauss (April 30, 1777 – February 23, 1855) who made many

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The Post News Times provides sardonic reportage for the perspicacious reader.

REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their text all over the page.
A new “Do Whatever” button complements the Alignment options in the toolbar. In addition to the existing Left, Center, Right, and Justify alignments, document authors can now select the new button to utterly wreck the formatting they had implemented.
“It used to be that you had to try adding something to the page, and wherever you put it the rest of the document would scurry away in terror,” said Office MVP Loren Ipsell. “But it wasn’t always predictable. Sometimes things would go where you put them, and the rest would stay in place.”
Not so with the Do Whatever button. One press and you will wonder where your paragraphs went.
“It doesn’t just move things around,” said Ipsell. “It changes the margins on random things, adds page breaks, makes it so that some pictures are inline while others are behind the text. It’s a solidly effective piece of programming.”
DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news site made an ad hoc post in an attempt to verify that the connection between the Instagram account and the related Facebook page was working properly. Previous attempts had gone to a personal profile instead, and if it happens again the intern plans to register deep dissatisfaction with the process.
SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices have a new feature to try out on their Alexa virtual assistants, Snarky Mode. Alexa can now respond to inquiries with snide, sharply critical, and even rude comments while providing answers or performing tasks. “You’re a bit old to be asking what ‘fleek’ means, Dan. How about some nice Eighties music?”
“You can ask Alexa, ‘What’s the weather?’ and she’ll say ‘Oh, hold on while I scoot over to the window and take a look,'” said Echo Snark Division leader Steve Todson. “If you want the real answer, you’ll have to spar with her verbally, like saying ‘I might just have to take you out there and see for yourself if it’s raining,’ and then she’ll give in at some point and say ‘Okay, okay, it’s 45 degrees and raining. Happy?'” Turning the function on is simple. Just say “Alexa, enable Snarky Mode,” and if she says “Oh, so you can try and get sassy with this?” then it is operational. 
You can adjust the level from 1 to 10, which according to the online guide represents snark values from “Raised Eyebrow” through “Oh No She Didn’t” all the way up to “Murdered By Words”. In the app settings, you have even more fine adjustment levels for preferences like joshing, indifference, cynicism, malice, and ad hominem attacks. “Some people simply want a ‘just kidding around’ level, so you can definitely do that,” said Todson. “But curmudgeons, misanthropes, and comedians will appreciate the full throttle experience.” Snarky Mode follows the new Whisper Mode available for Alexa, and soon to come are more options such as Gesture Mode for additional expressive capabilities, Stare Down Mode to unlock passive aggressive tasks, and Edgewise Mode for noisy families.
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