WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
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SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
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SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

TV shows all about mitosis anymore, claims amoeba grandmother

KIDPOOL – A concerned single-celled eukaryote has launched a campaign to lessen the amount of asexual reproduction in television programs about microscopic organisms.

“It’s all good and well to learn about life’s basic processes,” said Nana Moeba, avid viewer and grandmother to countless offspring. “But this goes beyond all decency and amoebic values.”

Ms. Moeba plans to organize a protest against the local stations that broadcast the most explicit mitosis content if her colony survives spring cleaning.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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“Left Alone” series chronicles life after Rapture people disappear
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“Left Alone” series chronicles life after Rapture people disappear

LAS VEGAS – A new series of novels depicts the world after a pre-tribulation rapture, in which righteous evangelical believers

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