WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Tree may have fallen on Schrödinger’s cat

VIENNA – Initial reports indicate that a tree has fallen in a nearby forest, possibly killing the cat belonging to local resident E. Schrödinger.

“We’ll have to make some more observations, but every time we gather evidence the results seem to change,” said Klaus Meine, lead investigator. “We want to eliminate guesswork and ascertain what has happened here.”

Investigators have focused on a crushed box beneath the tree in question. A Geiger counter and broken flask were found near the scene and have been sent to laboratory for testing. No one heard or saw the tree fall, and doubt remains as to whether the cat was in the box at the time.

“The cat may be entangled in this mess, and would most certainly have been killed. Until we look, however, we cannot know.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Percentage of Water Dog Actually Drinks (Chart)

Percentage of Water Dog Actually Drinks (Chart)

EDITOR’S NOTE: This chart actually made it to the front page of in this post, wherein the author learned

Free Lawn Clippings

Free Lawn Clippings

LAKEWOOD – Free lawn clippings available. First come, first serve. Please only take what you need from the top 3

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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