WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Transformers prequel in development

OPTIMUS WOODS – Producers unaffiliated with DreamWorks have begun development on a prequel to the 2007 live-action movie, “Transformers”, titled simply “Transformer”.

The film will contain none of the characters, premises or story lines of the original, but instead will center around a take on another fictional disguised robot in larval form.

“It’s the story of this cute little transformer’s journey to become a real boy,” said executive producer Deesep Dikon from his office in Bangalore. “Except he becomes a huge city-killing robot in the process. I must work on the details, as I have yet to see the original movie or series.”

Dikon has not yet secured funding for the project, and is seeking clearances to begin.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Drug cartels moving over to printer ink

Drug cartels moving over to printer ink

CUIDAD SIEMJUAQUE – Faced with falling demand, several drug cartels are transitioning their operations over to more expensive printer ink.

Scientists scoff at new element, Ridiculum

Scientists scoff at new element, Ridiculum

STOCKHOLM – Atomic physicists are having a hearty laugh over the newly discovered element Ridiculum (Rd). It has farcical properties

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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