WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

To our deeply paranoid readers: They know

RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW – You knew this day was coming. The clues were always there, and it’s all coming to a head now.

They cannot see you if you never leave the house.

They’ve got everything. Everything. There’s no getting out of this now. You’ve been on the list, and it’s almost time for them to make their move. That white van that’s been passing by every few weeks is not from the cable company or the power company. They’ve been scanning every frequency in your house and downloading everything through the WiFi.

All these hundreds of people have no idea the camera is pointed at just you.

You were right about those helicopters following you. Sure, you were near the hospital where it brings “patients” every day, but that’s exactly the kind of cover they would use. You know what’s up.

Do they really think you believe that those people are actually a family walking their dog? In the park? Nice touch with the stroller, they even put a little baby in there. But make no mistake, they are on to you. Closing in.

It’s been so many years now that you’re starting to forget when they started. How massive an operation this must be, to have so many agents working on it for so long, across so many sites including work, home, vacations, appearing on random TV shows and radio programs and in traffic, just to keep tabs on you.

You threw them off the trail for a long time by never talking on the phone or sending email.

Even though they never found anything going through your trash and your recycling (yeah, even when you took it to the recycling center – they don’t think you saw them follow you), they somehow got all the goods. You’re not even sure what they have, but you do know they’ve got it.

None of it makes any sense. It’s completely irrational. Yet here we are. Good thing you’ve got a plan. Just keep playing it cool and don’t let on that you’ve spotted them. Let them make the first move, if they dare.

EDITOR’S NOTE: For real, if you’re experiencing serious paranoia to the point that it’s affecting your quality of life, reach out and seek help. There’s a good chance that you’re not worth all the effort to the kind of agencies that would do all this. Unless perhaps you’re an actual secret agent, drug dealer, or worker’s comp cheat, in which case, best of luck because they really are out to get you.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Jimmy crack corn, public apathetic

Jimmy crack corn, public apathetic

SOUTH CAROLINA – Authorities investigated the suspicious death of a man on horseback, but evidence and eyewitnesses are proved unproductive.

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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