WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Thumb in soup not like one lost in kitchen

WINDER, GA – Diners at the roadside Ephemera Grill found a thumb in a soup they ordered, but upon inquiring with management found that it did not belong to a kitchen staffer who had lost his thumb recently.

“At first they were like, ‘Cool, we were looking for that,’ but a little sleuthing and they figured out it wasn’t the guy’s thumb,” said Jolene Payeur, whose business associate had ordered the tomato bisque that contained the severed digit.

Matt, a dish washer at Ephemera, initially believed that the thumb might be his. Two days prior, he had been making a sandwich and lopped it off, whereupon it bounced across the make line and into an undetermined pot.

“Colin (the lead cook) decided to stir it up like we do the salad dressing when something falls in there,” said Matt, who did not want to use his last name for warrant reasons. “I assumed it was a goner, and then today Frances runs back here and says ‘We found your thumb!’ But it was not to be.”

The restaurant is temporarily closed while management fumigates for fleas. Matt indicated that Frances regrets allowing dogs to be brought into the kitchen.

Payeur believes that Ephemera “won’t be here long.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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