WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Tech support hell welcomes Cuba

HAVANA – Following removal of restrictions on personal technology, Cubans now look forward to languishing in the same virtual queues that so many of their regional neighbors enjoy.

Cuba’s new president Raúl Castro recently lifted a ban on DVD players, computers, microwave ovens and cell phones. Soon will follow numerous exhausting and sometimes futile calls to manufacturers’ tech support centers.

The communist island nation south of the eastern U.S. in the Gulf of Mexico has undergone great cultural and economic change since the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991, and former president Fidel Castro’s resignation on February 19 suggests a continuation of that trend.

Cuban citizens may now wait alongside the rest of the world to decipher DVD remotes, configure address books, update operating systems and sort out billing disputes. Tech support centers from Omaha to Bangalore have extended a friendly hand to a brand new passel of customers whose calls are important to them.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Huh huhh… you said “Escher”

Huh huhh… you said “Escher”

Message from parallel universe: “Stop sending socks”

Message from parallel universe: “Stop sending socks”

MULTIVERSE LOCAL 434S – A transmission from an alternate reality heretofore unknown to science implored our current civilization to curtail

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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