WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

T. Rex tastes like chicken

Which came first, the T. Rex or the egg?

CACCIATORE, ITALY – Scientists have analyzed proteins extracted from dinosaur bones, establishing the strongest link yet of their kinship to birds. The finding suggests that the mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex tasted like chicken.

“We hypothesized this link based on anatomical similarity,” said K.T. Boundorie, leading chicken fossil expert, or pollopaleontologist, “but this provides the proof that T. Rex was closer to chickens than to reptiles.”

Researchers were not surprised by the revelation. “We answered one question, but now we have more,” said Boundorie. “Was T. Rex smarter than the chicken, and did it cross roads?”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Tickle Your Ribs with Strickland Propagne

Tickle Your Ribs with Strickland Propagne

ARLEN, TX – Everybody knows that Strickland Propane is the champagne of propanes, and now you can have both in

Extraterrestrial rednecks antagonize locals with Monster UFO

Extraterrestrial rednecks antagonize locals with Monster UFO

AMALTHEA, SC – Local residents sighted an unidentified flying object (UFO) making repeated passes around the Piggly Wiggly parking lot

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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