WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
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POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Study shows major catastrophe could cause catastrophic damage

Panelists agreed it would look super cool.

LEVELTOWN – Scientists warn that a disaster of some kind, if large enough, could wreak mass havoc across the nation or even the world.

“If the Pacific Northwest experiences an earthquake near 9 on the Richter scale, that would be very bad,” said Ennio Gojira, one of a panel of disaster experts convened earlier today to present their findings.

A dozen panelists presented simulations that show what would happen in a number of situations if the conditions were conducive to colossal destruction.

Catastrophologist Theodore Striker warned of the potential destruction possible in a meteor strike. “If something the size of a small city hits, even in the ocean, it can mean extinction for all of us.”

Still others reminded the audience of the possibility of supervolcanoes, megatsunami, nearby gamma ray bursts, Gulf Stream shutdown, pandemic and technological singularity.

“If the enormous supervolcano under Yellowstone suddenly erupted, the whole midwest would be a wasteland and we’d have decades of nuclear winter,” said Casper Destry, an avid watcher of educational television.

“Half of La Palma island could slide into the Atlantic, and the eastern U.S. would be under water,” said Melinda Tarkes, a geology major at Metro State.

“There could be a superbug out there just waiting to kill us all in 72 hours,” said Gojira.

One panelist pointed out that the events in question were only remotely probable.

“But any one of these things could wipe us out, if it’s on an unprecedented scale,” Striker told the unnamed panelist.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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