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Study finds guy in gorilla suit admitted pretty much anywhere

Is that Dave? Maybe, maybe not. But who's stopping him?

KONGSBERG – A recent study by the Väärennetty Institute shows that a guy dressed in a gorilla suit can gain entry just about any place.

“We got into office buildings, bank vaults, secure government facilities,” said lead researcher Josh Mochrie. “Just carry some balloons or one of those big cake cookies and you’re good.” The study required that the gorilla carry no identification or credentials.

“Fake it til you make it, like they say,” said Mochrie. “Just walk like you know what you’re doing.”

The team recorded successful access to all 54 locations they attempted, noting that there were a few times security personnel raised questions.

“They would ask, ‘Are you here for Kay’s retirement party?’ or something like that, and we wouldn’t say a word. Just shrug and wave to someone on the other side of the checkpoint. Offer them a balloon, stuff like that.”

The study took a serious turn when one of the gorilla-suited researchers was asked to help taxi a plane.

“I got to the tarmac and this guy hands me his orange flashlights and said to get up on top of the truck thing that pulls the planes. Apparently it was a pilot’s birthday, and they thought I was part of the ground crew. We’re going to be sure and not try that again – that could have gotten dangerous.”

The institute has received numerous angry calls from companies that the writing on the cookie cake was wrong, and that the gorilla would not stop to pose for pictures.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Ridicule sign of insecurity, says guy in goofy shirt

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“Bug Zapper” spider attracts prey with bio-luminescence

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The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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