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Squirrel Wants To Know If You’re Going To Eat That

The squirrel is attempting to use emotional appeal to sway your decision-making process.

CHARLOTTE, NC – An adorable squirrel is watching from a cautious distance while you eat your lunch on the park bench, wondering if you are intent on finishing the rest of that sandwich.

An accomplice watches from a nearby tree, awaiting any signal that you will leave the sandwich unguarded, even if only for a moment.

By all indications, you have abandoned efforts to consume the whole thing, leaving several bites worth beside you as you casually sip Diet Dr. Pepper and read social media posts on your phone. The squirrel, who would not provide a name, grows ever more curious as to your plans for the remainders.

While the tension on the side of the furry rodent grows by the moment, you remain unaware of the developing situation. Sources familiar with your past actions suggest that you will wrap up what’s left and put it in the break room refrigerator, never to retrieve it.

“We strongly discourage people from feeding human food to the wildlife,” said park attendant Chip Endale. “It messes with their digestive systems, steers them away from healthier food, and makes them sick.”

The squirrels of the park are not party to any such accord or agreement, and will pursue any opportunity to acquire human food irrespective of its nutritional content.

“They do this in open defiance of park rules,” said Endale. “But we have little recourse, as squirrels ignore citations just as readily.”


Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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