WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

SPOILER: Picture of Star Wars VII character “Bantha Claus” leaked

JAKKU – Fans of the Star Wars franchise tingled with excitement at the leaking of this image, a Tusken Raider riding Bantha Claus.

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens opens near Christmas 2015, and the revelation was a complete surprise even to expanded universe observers.

“This is definitely not canon, and I can pretty much guarantee they’re not going to try another holiday special,” said longtime Star Wars fan Brad Yavin, referring to the 1978 TV special that many fans refuse to acknowledge.

Fans across the Internet are poring over the image for clues to the first Star Wars movie in a decade, and the first to be helmed by director J.J. Abrams.

“Bantha Claus even has a helper with a hat and everything. Maybe a Tusken Elf?” said Yavin. “And what’s that bag on his back? Toys for Sand People? Does the Force help Bantha Claus tell who’s naught and nice? What kind of milk do you leave for Bantha Claus? You know Bantha milk is blue.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Shred Here

Shred Here

Take it from Yngwie Johan Malmsteen, Swedish guitarist and band leader. You need to shred when you want, where you want.

GM gets additional $3 billion from Washington for rust proofing

GM gets additional $3 billion from Washington for rust proofing

DETROIT – Automotive giant General Motors sat Washington down in the manager’s office Wednesday and laid it out straight. This

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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