WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Space Shuttle Repossessed

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, FL – NASA Adminstrators were stunned Monday evening when a massive tow truck hauled away Space Shuttle Endeavour.

“It’s not what it looks like, we’ve been making the payments,” said lead shuttle mechanic Bud Waitley. “I think somebody in accounts payable got the schedule screwed up, and with a billion-dollar vehicle on the note, they get trigger happy.”

Senior officials could not be reached for comment, but a representative from AAA Triple A Towing said that the shuttle would remain in impound for 30 days. NASA would have that long to arrange payment, or else the lienholder would haul the spacecraft to Orlando for auction.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Lanes To Be Closed On Interstate Just Because

Lanes To Be Closed On Interstate Just Because

STALLVILLE – Thousands of commuters on their way home today encountered three of five lanes on the cross-town connector blocked off

Bungee Jumping Criminal Receives Suspended Sentence

Bungee Jumping Criminal Receives Suspended Sentence

GORGE CANYON, VT – Expert bungee jumper and alleged bank robber Skip Saltaro received a suspended sentence in his trial

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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