WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Smoker proud of biodegradable butts in yard

Questions remain as to how the paper, cotton, and ashes benefit the soil.

EMPHYSEE, MA – Cigarette aficionado Wayne Kennerly is doing his part for future generations by depositing only biodegradable butts in his front yard.

“I used to smoke Brynner 100’s, but I found out those had fiberglass in the filter,” said Kennerly. “These Taos Vortex Naturals are totally cotton. Except for the tobacco part.”

Kennerly plans to leave the burnt stumps of his cigarettes out until they break down from exposure to the elements, which may well happen during his lifetime.

“It doesn’t say that on the label, but that’s because they can’t make claims like that legally. I heard it from a buddy who knows the distributor,” explained Kennerly. “Besides, if those big companies are putting fiberglass in their cigarettes, who knows what else? I’m not putting that in my body.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Huh huhh… you said “Escher”

Huh huhh… you said “Escher”

Pizza Hovel unleashes 36-pound “Cholesterol Bomb”

Pizza Hovel unleashes 36-pound “Cholesterol Bomb”

ADIPOSA – The tri-state area’s largest pizza franchise announced its latest creation today, the 36 pound Cholesterol Bomb. Loaded with

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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