WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Slush Hockey season off to tepid start

LUKEWARM SPRINGS – The already short window for slush hockey season has been truncated by unexpectedly pleasant weather.

Players who depend on the unstable conditions between winter and summer were disappointed with this year’s rapid thaw.

“Ideally, we’d have a few weeks of overcast and wind, at least enough to keep the slush on the ground,” said Joe Sebleton, captain of the Lukewarm Springs Mush. “We’d get through a tournament of nine teams, with a beer tasting after each game.”

Sebleton concedes that the league will have to make do with the beer tastings alone until Lawn Mower Derby Days in May.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

New Navy regulation forbids hitchhiking on fighter jets

New Navy regulation forbids hitchhiking on fighter jets

THE PENTAGON – Top leadership in the U.S. Navy has issued a regulation that disallows catching rides on aircraft outside

Numerous historic disasters attributed to incompetent time traveler

Numerous historic disasters attributed to incompetent time traveler

TWIN PINES – Time traveler Ollie Capper was supposed to go back and prevent some of the world’s worst disasters.

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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