WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Silhouettes are your biggest fans

No one attends more events than they do.

No matter what type of entertainment you provide, or what sort of entity you are, silhouettes are guaranteed to be your most enthusiastic supporters.

These guys are crazy about you.

“You can be a bunch of models onstage posing as a band, and these solid shapes of a single color will always turn out, losing their minds as if you were really playing the instruments,” said Liam Luneburg, who manages a virtual music arena.

“They are nothing if not consistent. Every single event they attend they do it with their fullest passion. Honestly, given the amount of things they go to, I don’t know how they do it.”

No matter what’s going on, they go wild.

Silhouettes can be found attending huge clusters of lens flares, giant fractal images, bodies of water, or even literally nothing at all.

“Sunset! Whoooo!”

“Their level of commitment is unmatched in the fan world,” said Luneburg. “They never seem to get tired, and they’re just as pumped about whatever it is after hours of being there.”

“Sun’s gone! Whooooo!”

No silhouettes responded to requests for interviews, although their representative indicated that if we were to hold an event of any kind we could get them to show up.

“I think that’s the key,” said Luneburg. “You can’t throw too much at them. You kinda have to let them do their thing and stay out of the way.”

You will never have better fans than this.
Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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Editorial by Mister Bojangles I’ve been watching you, and making meticulous observations of how you conduct the business of operating

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