WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Sidecar On Day 3 Of Madcap Ride Without Motorcycle

Kelso zooms down a country road, haphazardly avoiding pursuers.

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY – A zany ride on a sidecar that has been separated from its motorcycle entered its third day, with no sign of the motorcycle that its rider hopes to rejoin soon.

A little April snow in Wyoming caught Kelso unprepared.

“Usually, once somebody knocks the sidecar loose, you go through a crowded marketplace or a loading dock, then you hitch right back up with the bike,” said William Kelso, the passenger of the sidecar. He had been traveling with Wendall Miles, who had been driving the motorcycle at least up until the point they got pulled apart by a collision with a truckload of chickens while gangsters were pursuing them.

Kelso barrels through a crowded subway station.

“It’s all a big misunderstanding, really, but we’ve got to meet up again and get to the city hall building before we can clear everything up,” said Kelso, who was rolling on one wheel down the boardwalk of Coney Island past startled bystanders.

So far, Kelso has hurtled through the upstate New York countryside, across frozen landscapes in the midwest, into subway concourses, and over several highly improbable ramps.

The motorcycle, piloted by Wendall Miles, is as yet unable to regroup with the sidecar.

“To tell you the truth, I’m getting quite hungry,” said Kelso, who has also not stopped for restroom or sleep breaks. “But the crime boss thinks we’re part of this huge plot to steal from them, and the cops think we’re teamed up with the mob. On top of that, Miles is being chased by his fiancée’s father for skipping out on their wedding. It’s all part of this mix-up, and I have to catch up to him to straighten everything out.”

Miles was last seen careening across rooftops in suburban New Jersey, and there are not yet any indications he is heading back in the direction of Kelso’s sidecar.

On the second evening, Kelso began regretting the choices that led him to this misadventure.

“Sometimes I’ll get to a fork in a dirt road, and I’ll think now is the perfect time for him to come along from the other fork and snap it back together,” said Kelso. “but it hasn’t happened yet.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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