WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Secret Reptilian Government: Sorry About All This

WASHINGTON, DC – The extraterrestrial reptilian society that is secretly controlling all world governments from behind the scenes has issued an apology for how things have gone lately.

“It’s totally our bad,” said Squamataz Lepidox, a spokeslizard for the organization that has a name unpronounceable for humans, but is colloquially known as the Reptilians. “We had some laughs goofing around with you mammals for a good while, because we thought we could handle it.”

Lepidox was referring to the increasingly dire situation in which the planet’s biosphere finds itself, ever closer to irrevocable harm in the form of runaway greenhouse effect, mass species extinctions, and generally shoddy upkeep.

“We thought it was hilarious to have oil & coal industries tell you science isn’t real, but then you bought it.”

The Reptilians had been running various campaigns of disinformation, originating or toying with popular urban legends to destabilize societies for kicks. In recent decades, they took to replacing entire governmental systems by convincing people that the rule of law was somehow insufficient and outdated.

“It was all fun and games until you guys took the ball and ran with it,” said Lepidox. “And by the ball, I mean the belief that science was fake, that millions of data points over centuries somehow didn’t form an undeniable pattern of warming with humanity at the center. Some of you actually think that if it’s cold where you are, that negates the average. Then you put people in charge who either believed it too, or just went along with the mob.”

Lepidox apologized for overestimating humanity’s ability to collectively understand objective reality and respond accordingly.

“You guys just don’t get it. Well, some of you do, but you’re not the ones with the torches, pitchforks, and bulldozers,” he said. “And look, I fully grasp the irony of your current situation, which exists largely because of the type of  people who believe in things like Reptilians running everything from behind the scenes.”

“That said, we’re going to be leaving the planet for a while. We will be back, and I promise we won’t pull any of those shenanigans again. At any rate, we’ll be dealing with probably cephalopods or cetaceans by then. Peace out.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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