WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Satellite launch delayed by gravity

Locals were alarmed to learn that a rocket was being launched from a shopping center.

FT MYERS, FL – SpaceCorp suffered a major setback when their Kiwi Grand rocket failed to clear the launch pad, scuttling a mission to send a supply satellite into orbit.

At ignition, the first stage could not build up sufficient thrust to overcome the tug of gravity, which led to an indefinite delay of both rocket and payload.

“We factored gravity into every one of our calculations, but it jumped up to bite us,” said lead rocket scientist Jim Luckett. “We should have done a lot more math about how much fuel it takes to launch stuff into space, how much things have to weigh or not weigh.”

SpaceCorp has yet to mitigate the overwhelming, pervasive influence of Earth’s pull on all mass.

“It’s not like weather, where you can wait it out,” said Luckett. “Gravity is always waiting around for you, and it will remind you who’s boss.”

Every previous SpaceCorp launch has failed: The Dodo Titan, Puffin Massive, and Gentoo Hefty all got no further than a few inches above the ground. Luckett has considered hiring aerospace engineers who guarantee they can make his venture successful, but he thinks the problem might be in branding.

“All the good bird names were taken,” said Luckett. “We’re going to try some cool reptiles next.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Office To Add “Do Whatever” Button To Alignment Options

Office To Add “Do Whatever” Button To Alignment Options

REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their

11 Songs That Aren’t About What You Think. #4 Blew Me Away!

11 Songs That Aren’t About What You Think. #4 Blew Me Away!

There are songs we’ve heard all our lives and thought we knew what they meant. Here are eleven that have

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top