WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Sales rep spends 27 of 40 minutes wrapping up call

VP Pralind directed Bolton to stop him if he had heard the story before, but had every intention of telling the story again.

PORTLAND – Northwest region sales rep Rick Bolton spent nearly three-fourths of a 40-minute phone call attempting to draw it to a close Monday.

“Uh-huh. Is that right? Well I guess it is. Anyway,” said Bolton, varying the tone of his voice to signal the denouement of a ten-minute conversation that warranted only about 45 seconds.

“So you got the document,” said Bolton, “and Myers told me it’s a done deal. Yeah. Good as gold.”

He then fielded a second round of questions on the compression, formatting and delivery of the document. Not until the eighteenth minute did Bolton think to employ a diversionary tactic.

“Yeah, Dan, I really should have mentioned that to you sooner. I’m gonna try and get this earlier flight back to Phoenix, and they need to see my boarding pass,” said Bolton. “Man, they won’t look at you if you’ve got a phone on your ear, you know?”

Bolton briefly contemplated playing the “lousy reception” card, but Senior VP Dan Pralind had been with him at the same airport, and would immediately sense deception. He then fell upon a spark of wisdom and invoked the “dying battery” defense.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I do have my charger, but it’s in my checked baggage,” said Bolton, relieved that he might soon cut short the mind-numbingly dull banter. “No, I don’t usually check baggage, but I had so many brochures with me this time, and wouldn’t you know it, I brought my parka. Who knew it would be so nice?”

Despite the establishment of a dead-battery exit strategy, Bolton lingered on in a conversation with Pralind that covered basketball, the presidential race, married life, Thai food, hair bands and the ‘leave Britney alone’ guy. Bolton accepts partial responsibility for leading the call “back out to sea” a couple of times, accounting for perhaps 10 to 15 minutes worth.

The final eight minutes of the call, Bolton spoke only the following words in numerous combinations: alright, okay, yeah, mm-hmm, right, uh-huh, got it, and see you tomorrow.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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