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Restaurateur’s plan to save endangered animals: make them delicious

Animal rights activists are horrified at the suggestion.

AUROCHS – A local entrepreneur and wildlife enthusiast has a radical suggestion to stave off the extinction of threatened species: Eat them.

Delicious animals seldom endangered

“It makes perfect sense if you think about it,” said Marshall Todd, a contract roofer who watches copious amounts of nature shows. “We eat chickens, and there’s billions of them. Cows, pigs, lamb… they’re all over the place. But show me a speckled woodpecker. Not gonna see it. Not until the little dude’s on a menu somewhere. I bet you they could bring back the woolly mammoth if the thing tasted good.”

Todd admits the theory is not fully hashed out. “I can see it helping out the panda, the loggerhead turtle and manatee. I’m not so sure with the orangutan or most any reptile. Oh, wait, how about the condor? They’re like vultures, right, and turnabout is fair play.”

He first hatched the idea upon hearing of ‘dolphin-safe tuna’. “People were always talking about saving the dolphins. ‘Dolphin-safe tuna.’ Well what about the tunas? Way I see it, we ought to either stop eating tuna or start eating dolphins.”

Todd is new to the restaurant business, but already has customers lined up to try the new and controversial menu once it’s ready.

“That white rhino probably isn’t going to work out.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Vacant strip mall spotted on Mars

Vacant strip mall spotted on Mars

MARS – NASA has discovered an abandoned strip mall on the surface of the red planet. The dilapidated shopping center

Redesigned $5 bill features authentication key

Redesigned $5 bill features authentication key

WASHINGTON – The redesigned five-dollar bill debuts today, with new features that will help combat counterfeiting. Some measures are not

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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