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TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
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SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
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SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Rescuers Form Human Chain To Save Woman Trapped In Dead End Conversation

The team reached her moments before weightlifting came up.

URBANA, OH – Fast-thinking bystanders in a local bar banded together to release a woman who was pinned under an incessant barrage of  blather from a self-absorbed boor.

Christina Harter had been minding her own business, enjoying an after-work drink by herself. “Not something I ordinarily do,” said Harter, who tends to stick with friends in a group to fend off unwanted interactions. “But I just wanted to unwind a little before going home.”

Bar patron Chadwick Meister picked up on Harter’s unguarded state, and moved in under the auspices of making conversation. Twenty minutes later, it was clear to all within earshot that the topic was going to be exclusively Meister’s accomplishments in film production, rugby, and automobile ownership.

Meister has one of these parked out front, and a couple of scripts in development.

From a nearby table, coworkers saw subtle signals of distress from Harter. Becky Bales, Cynthia Talbot, and Melanie Smyth formulated a plan to link arms and extract Harter to safety.

“She was much too polite to walk away or tell the guy to buzz off,” said Bales. “We corroborated her need with a few subtle eye signals, and acted.”

Bales and team approached Harter from the back, and secured a tight grip on her before making a synchronized motion to pull her clear of Meister’s range.

A grateful Harter joined the rescue team for an appetizer and a drink while they discussed possible exit scenarios, the most popular of which is to wait for Meister to start chatting up the bartender.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Potato-shaped potato sells for $.79 on eBay

Potato-shaped potato sells for $.79 on eBay

BURBANK – A potato that bears an uncanny resemblance to a potato sold at auction this week for 79 cents,

Neighborhood hit by outbreak of Stuccococcus

Neighborhood hit by outbreak of Stuccococcus

JEJUNE HOLLOW – Scores of houses in Tickytack Estates have come down with Stuccococcus (S. Plasteri), or Stucco for short,

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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