WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Repel silent clowns with Mime-Away

Keep those quiet clowns at bay
With a brand new bottle of Mime-A-Way!

Is there a man in tights pulling on an invisible rope in your kitchen? A sad-faced tramp palming a nonexistent window to your living room? Walking down stairs behind the couch that aren’t there?

Get Mime-A-Way, the only product guaranteed to repel deposits of pantomime actors that have gotten into your home.

Available in stores wherever! As seen (but not heard) on TV. Ask for it by name.

DISCLAIMER: The makers of Mime-A-Way do not condone harassment of performing artists. Mime-A-Way is for household use only, and should not be construed as a condemnation of the mimetic arts.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Aliens learn to camouflage their ships as lens flares

Aliens learn to camouflage their ships as lens flares

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Motorist reports unsafe driver with mobile phone

Motorist reports unsafe driver with mobile phone

SHERIDAN, CA – A responsible driver called in to authorities to report a reckless driver who was applying makeup on

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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