WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
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SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
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SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Removed column apparently load-bearing

BINFORD – A kitchen redesign went horribly awry yesterday when a contractor cut through a column that was supporting the stairs and part of the floor.

“We definitively established that this was not a cosmetic column,” said drywall specialist Donald Handel. “[Homeowner] Mr. Fenton and I debated whether [the 4×4 post] was necessary, and I said ‘Well, there’s one easy way to find out.'”

Fenton and Handel escaped injury from the collapse, but must now face inquiry from Mrs. Fenton upon her return home.

“We’ve drafted some preliminary ideas that involve the newly expanded space,” said Fenton.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

The Wall Wart, Perfected

The Wall Wart, Perfected

OMAHA, NE – Consumers looking for the ultimate in power adapters, look no more. The AC converter better known as

Flyover country missed

Flyover country missed

32,000 FT. OVER ASH VALLEY, KS – Passengers on Southwest flight 2672 went about their business aboard the plane, unaware

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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