WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Red collar crime at historic lows

ASHEVILLE , NC – Incidents of red collar crime are at their lowest levels since record keeping began, according to record keepers.

“Compared to white collar crime, it’s off-the-charts low,” said keeper of records Bruce Aspinall. “We haven’t found a single incident of red collar crime in this entire decade.”

Aspinall provided sources for the data, but not a definition of red collar crime. White collar crime refers to financially motivated crimes of a nonviolent nature, and the less-used term blue collar crime corresponds to what is more commonly called crime.

“To be honest, I don’t even know what they mean by it,” said criminologist Shirley Holmes. “I agree, however, that there is virtually no red collar crime going on. You might want to look a little closer at Bruce’s department, though, and where all that funding is going.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Popular
Homeschooled teenage boy caught with stack of evolution magazines
EDUCATION

Homeschooled teenage boy caught with stack of evolution magazines

HOVINDA – A mother caught her 15-year-old boy Tuesday with dozens of publications that describe in explicit detail the theoretical

The Power of Positive Drinking – guest post by Nyborg Batfish
CULTURE

The Power of Positive Drinking – guest post by Nyborg Batfish

The following is a transcription of an article from a short-lived publication in Athens, GA circa 1989. No record of

Advertisement
Categories
Archives
0.0
BY THE NUMBERS
The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top