WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Random crowd prepared for high speed chase to come tearing through

BACKLOTTON – The demographically vague bystanders, pedestrians and shopkeepers along Main Street are ready for any madcap onslaught of vehicles in pursuit that might descend upon the town.

“We’ve been developing our reflexes to dodge taxis, motorcycles, tanks and race cars, whatever comes roaring around that corner,” said mayor John Q. Monroe. “I’ve conferred with every plate glass mover, fruit cart owner and scaffolding contractor to properly clear the area surrounding their primary place of business, even if it’s moving.”

Every citizen of Backlotton is trained to get out of the way at the first sign of disturbance.

“You can see the pigeons scattering away from a block or more,” said Monroe. “Even with a caravan of illegal hot rods barreling through, you still have a few seconds to back up to the sidewalk.”

Despite Monroe’s confidence that his town can handle a sudden barrage of convoy trucks chased by a crazed out-of-state sheriff, he worries that the next town over will not be so lucky.

“They’ll just buzz right through here, but Sidelot is riddled with tight, windy streets and tons of live chicken vendors right out on the sidewalk.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Popular
Ape learns sign language, asks researchers to shut up
SCIENCE

Ape learns sign language, asks researchers to shut up

Rollo, a silverback gorilla who has learned to communicate via sign language, has requested that his keepers stop talking to

It’s dangle. Berries don’t dingle.
DOGS

It’s dangle. Berries don’t dingle.

Guest Editorial by Captain Lou We need to talk about wording. Being a large, shaggy breed of dog, I am

Advertisement
Categories
Archives
0.0
BY THE NUMBERS
The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top