WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Procrastinatorium funding delayed

MARCH 24, 2018: This story has been updated to reflect that still nothing has happened. Please check back every few years for more information.

LAYLOWE, LA – The groundbreaking ceremony for the world’s first Procrastinatorium has been pushed back once again, due to a holdup in securing the financing for construction.

Founder Perry Lagtemps issued a statement Friday, May 24 confirming his intention to apply for building permits by February 2007.

“Advance membership has not reached levels we’d like to see to proceed,” said Lagtemps. “We will reevaluate the situation as soon as conveniently possible.”

The Laylowe Procrastinatorium will be a center for advanced study of idleness and “constructive sloth” once completed. A draft press release dated July 1995 describes the pending complex as a “marvel of modern technique in the [TBD something that implies the grandeur of the antithesis of overworking]”.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

To our deeply paranoid readers: They know

To our deeply paranoid readers: They know

RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW – You knew this day was coming. The clues were always there, and it’s all coming

Restaurant Employee Sent To Find, Thaw Out The Veggie Burger

Restaurant Employee Sent To Find, Thaw Out The Veggie Burger

TOPEKA, KS – Everything came to a standstill at Burger Shanty this afternoon when a customer ordered the veggie burger

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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