WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

PopSickle recalled

MOBILE, AL – Makers of PopSickle, a flavored frozen curved blade dessert, have recalled it amid questions about its safety and purpose.

“Children have already cut their tongues on this thing, and who knows what they might use it for in the future.” said consumer safety advocate Linda Trego. “You shouldn’t give kids blades, especially ones that they put in their mouths.”

PopSickle CEO Irwin Mainway issued the recall, but defends the product.

“They don’t stay that sharp once you take them out of the freezer,” he said. “And any reasonable person would know that you can’t harvest grain with a treat.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Math teachers to introduce diverse viewpoints

Math teachers to introduce diverse viewpoints

DAWKINS, GA – The Dawkins County Board of Education has introduced new standards for math curricula, providing alternative explanations of

Meatamucil. Protein with a Push.

Meatamucil. Protein with a Push.

GREELEY, CO – Health-conscious adults who want to get more fiber in their diet, but still want to boost their

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top