WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Piece Of Carpet Lint Vehemently Resists Vacuuming

Joyner has questions for other family members, who seem conspicuously absent.

MCPHERSON, KS – An as-yet unidentified scrap of fabric is clinging to an area rug despite all attempts to remove it, reports homeowner Isaac Joyner, who has been battling the detritus for almost twenty minutes.

“I first thought it was a feather, maybe,” said Joyner, who equipped himself with two different vacuum cleaners – a standard upright and a cordless sweeper. “The Roomba didn’t pick it up, so I figured one of these would do the trick.”

Joyner wondered if one of those rental steam cleaners would do the job, not hearing his phone ring.

Neither appliance succeeded in removing the fuzzy white bit of material from the rug’s low-pile surface, and Joyner’s repertoire includes extraction of cat hair.

“This must be some kind of synthetic fiber, to stick like that against such forces.” Joyner picked up the stamp-sized tuft a few times to inspect it before trying to vacuum it again, each time to no avail. His next step is to replace the filter in the upright and give that another swipe. “If all else fails, I’m headed out to the garage to get the shop vac.”

Joyner is a technical writer who has an assignment due shortly, and two children at a school rehearsal who were to have been picked up half an hour ago.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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