WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Philosopher King provides fast, affordable evaluation of life questions

HEGEL MILLS – The newest chain in the food court serves only food for thought — Philosopher King offers up specialized menus of realism, empiricism, pragmatism and more.

Along with the King mascot, the Phenomenology-to-go outlet features Plato & The Gadfly Guys, who wander around the playground raising eternal questions.

“Our offerings run the gamut of western philosophy,” said Russ Bertrand, shift manager and inventor of the Metaphysics Meal, the Quick Mull and a scratch card game called “Tao-Cha-Ching” in which one wins cash prizes by finding enlightenment. “We do some eastern stuff too, but if you want more rigorous study in that area, try Siddhartha’s across the court.”

“For young kids, we have the Lao-Zoo, a kind of Zen garden with bouncy balls. Older kids will enjoy the Nietzsche Playground. It gets rough in there, but it won’t kill you.”

The menu includes several value combos, or customers can purchase philosophy “A la Descartes”.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

2 Responses

  1. Anonymous

    Very funny! 🙂

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