WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Coca-Cola attracts younger market with “Pepsi Coke”

"It's the perfect choice for someone who drinks Coke, but wants Pepsi."

Coke has been tinkering for years with a formula to compete with Pepsi, and now they’ve taken it to the logical extreme with new Pepsi Coke.

In taste tests, people prefer it more than regular Coke, though not as much as Pepsi. Twenty five years after the 1985 New Coke debacle, the company has learned its lesson and is taking a more direct approach in emulating their competitor’s brand.

Legal experts have yet to weigh in on the bold new strategy.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Bathroom candle overwhelmed

Bathroom candle overwhelmed

JACKSONVILLE, FL – A sandalwood-scented candle has succumbed to conditions in a local bathroom. Apartment resident Liam Sairas reports that

Flyover country missed

Flyover country missed

32,000 FT. OVER ASH VALLEY, KS – Passengers on Southwest flight 2672 went about their business aboard the plane, unaware

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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