WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Online art school grad gets job drawing Tippy

SAVANNAH – High school sophomore Quentin Sweeney completed his curriculum at a correspondence school and has secured employment drawing cartoon turtles, pirates, chickens and other characters.

“Tippy got me in the door,” said Sweeney, who first saw an ad for the art course several months ago in the back of a comic book. He submitted his drawing and caught the attention of instructors, who contacted Sweeney and facilitated his admission to the school.

“My folks thought three grand was steep, but look at me now. This degree will pay for itself within a year.”

The details of Sweeney’s employment are a bit murky for now, but he will begin earning “royalty points” as soon as his artwork recoups “capital outlay expenditures” by the online agency that hired him.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Wonka Administration criticized for high turnover rate

Wonka Administration criticized for high turnover rate

OSTRUM, MD – Pundits are raising alarms at the rapid rate of staff loss in the William G. Wonka administration.

National Guard deployed to allow same-sex wedding to go forward

National Guard deployed to allow same-sex wedding to go forward

PAXTON, TX – President Obama sent National Guard troops accompany the wedding of Ellen Turing and Gertrude Buchanan, over the

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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