WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Old guy in office claims once only 3 channels on TV

People who wanted to watch TV had to stand up and fiddle with these controls.

FARNSWORTH – This one guy in Account Management who’s probably older than Bono insists that when he was little there were only three channels on television.

Darrell Vernor, an old guy who drives a Taurus, has a combover and no Twitter page, further asserts that there was nothing on between around midnight and some time early in the morning. The “big three” allegedly signed off every night with the song they play before baseball games.

Others in the office have expressed concerns with Vernor’s sometimes outlandish claims, including stories of an archaic version of CD’s that you had to flip over.

“He’ll pull that one out when he says stuff like ‘I remember when the Beatles were around,’ and we’re all like, sure, and I guess you and the Beatles and Reagan and Frodo hung out together in the middle ages,” said account coordinator Caden McKendree. “There’s not even anyone alive who was around when the Beatles lived.”

Several of Vernor’s coworkers plan to “introduce him to the reality-based world” at an upcoming trivia night.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Infant Implicated in Juicing Scandal

Infant Implicated in Juicing Scandal

ELMO, MT – Parents of 8-month-old Citronella Shreda announced that she was in fact one of the parties named in

Pizza Hovel unleashes 36-pound “Cholesterol Bomb”

Pizza Hovel unleashes 36-pound “Cholesterol Bomb”

ADIPOSA – The tri-state area’s largest pizza franchise announced its latest creation today, the 36 pound Cholesterol Bomb. Loaded with

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top