WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Oil company just going to start dumping crude directly into ocean

ATLANTIC OCEAN – An oil company based in the Cayman Islands will soon resort to simply pouring excess crude oil into the ocean, due to increasing costs of safety, storage and transport.

“Pipelines and ships cost a lot,” said Zorgeloos Petroleum CEO Bill Reston. “And you wouldn’t believe how expensive it is to keep these things from falling apart or exploding.”

Company analysts ran the numbers and figured out that paying the meager fines for massive spills outweighed the expenditure on infrastructure. “A few billion here and there to shut the penguin lovers up is worth it,” said Reston, “Because believe you me, we’re still making more money than we can count. At least until the oil runs out.”

Zorgeloos saved enough profit in the last two quarters to fund wind and sunlight abatement programs across wide swaths of earth’s surface.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Procrastinatorium funding delayed

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Whoop Ass now available in snack pack size

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The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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