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Nosa to offer pre-declined credit cards

SIOUX FALLS, SD – In the wake of the Great Recession and the credit crunch of the last decade, one credit card company is moving with the times.

NosaBank is rolling out a line of cards available to even the shakiest of customers. Starting with 0% APR financing and no annual fee (with conditions), the Nosa Pyrite Card is pre-declined in millions of locations around the world, including other banks’ ATMs.

“With this card, you’re telling the market right up front that you’re not playing, literally,” said NosaBank CEO Wallace Statler. “Present this card to any merchant and they will know that you are not there to negotiate, to haggle, to purchase anything.”

The Nosa Pyrite Card grew out of the company’s irritation at responding to credit applications for “simply horrible candidates,” said Statler.

The new product offering goes out proactively as “The Only Card You Need. Seriously.” alerting potential applicants that they are not eligible for any other lines of credit, “So Please Stop Asking,” according to the fine print.

Although the card carries no APR and no annual fee, attempts to use the card with real vendors invokes an “Obtusity Assessment,” an annually recurring fee that, if paid, triggers additional offers for Nosa products.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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