WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

No human ever holds their hands like this when talking to another


Come on, people. Have you ever, even once in your life, been talking to someone and they fold their hands one over the other innocuously while telling you about their mild to moderate psoriasis?

No, you haven’t. Because nobody talks or gestures like that. But they do in ads for some reason.

I’m not saying anything at all about the quality or efficacy of any of the products advertised, or even the character of the actors who do the persuading. I’m sure the good people at Mysquizilantin and Ben Franklin American Eagle Check Cashing are on the up-and-up. My beef is with the directors and/or gesture coaches who give us these bland, disingenuous expressions.

Did they decide some years ago that real, authentic interaction was a thing to be avoided? Are they playing a game to see how many people they can prank using signals that have no basis in actual human experience?

I may be just some cranky old media critic, but if you have a conversation with me, we will use regular words and sentences and gestures. But we won’t talk about pharmaceuticals or financial services.

We’ll talk cranky old media critic stuff.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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