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Ninja attacks decrease as more buildings omit rafters

Drywall saves lives

IGAMONO, JAPAN – Professional ninjas, a type of covert mercenary agent engaged in espionage, sabotage, assassination or guerrilla warfare, are having a tougher time doing their job thanks to modern architecture.

Builders and homeowners in recent history are leaning more towards solid vaulted ceilings, which present an obstacle to the famously stealthy warriors. While ninjas worth their salary can still infiltrate nearly any structure, the lack of rafters or trusses makes concealment more difficult.

Ninja union representatives also express concerns about outsourcing. “Budget ninjas” are cropping up in markets that were once dominated only by strictly trained masters, in part because they don’t need to train in the ancient art of rafter-hopping, or “Intonjutsu.”

“These low-rent assassins just wait outside your door and bonk you over the head when you leave,” said Tomo Sukesada of the Ninjutsu Local 43. “There’s no artistry in that.”

So even though actual attacks by ninjas are on the decline, the public should still be wary of pseudo-ninjas who are fortunately less effective.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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