WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Newly discovered molten planet named Psoriasis

HILO, HI – Astronomers at the Mauna Kea Observatory have discovered a new, scaly, inflamed planet far from our Solar System and named it Psoriasis, after the Greek god of heartbreak.

The planet is 34 light years away and cannot be seen directly, but we can infer its presence through red patches that surround the area and other systemic effects that flare up.

“It’s an amazing discovery, but you would never want to go there,” said Jon Freling, an amateur astronomer whose team is currently using the telescope without the knowledge or permission of the Mauna Kea facility. “You would be severely uncomfortable.”

The team has also concluded that three moons circle Psoriasis: Eczema, Rosacea and Histamine. They plan to publish a paper on their findings if they can manage to get back to the workstation where their data is stored without being spotted.

“Pretty good work for twenty minutes of observation. We’d hate to lose all of it.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

“Left Alone” series chronicles life after Rapture people disappear

“Left Alone” series chronicles life after Rapture people disappear

LAS VEGAS – A new series of novels depicts the world after a pre-tribulation rapture, in which righteous evangelical believers

Cruton, the fold-out couch made from stale bread

Cruton, the fold-out couch made from stale bread

EVANSVILLE, IN – Today furniture manufacturer Crustley launched Cruton, a new line of futons constructed from discarded and rebaked bread.

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top