WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

New “Salty Sugar Fat” hits the sweet spot of snacking

MELLITUS, NJ – Snack industry giant Snacrosis has found the trifecta in treat ingredients with their new “Salty Sugar Fat”, a concoction of savory, sweet and adipose that is sure to fly off the shelves at convenience stores nationwide.

“Our taste engineers have been tinkering for years, looking for the perfect combination of flavors to make an irresistible treat,” said Snacrosis Public Information Liaison Dee Farber. “Our focus groups always came back with the trio of winners: Salty, Sweet, Fatty.”

The genius of Salty Sugar Fat lies not in the specific mix of ingredients, but that Snacrosis engineers chose to forego flavors in the traditional sense.

“We learned that after a certain point, people don’t really care what flavor something is. As long as it’s salty, sweet, and/or fatty, they’re going to down the whole thing. This puts us shelves ahead of the competition, who are still struggling with Ranch this or Salsa that.”

To accommodate the marketing department and retailers, Snacrosis has varied the packaging to reflect a range of flavors: Green, Purple, Red and Yellow. “We were going to make orange one of them, but that presented too much confusion over whether the snack would actually have orange flavor – you know, like the citrus plant,” said Farber.

Salty Sugar Fat will be available in stores in the coming weeks in single-serving 3-pound packets, and may be eaten refrigerated, microwaved, room temperature or with a soon-to-be-announced Fatty Salt Dipping Sauce.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Today’s Weather: All over the map

Today’s Weather: All over the map

METEOROLOGIST CHET SPARSELY REPORTING Going outside today will be a real mixed bag, depending on where you are. A number

Numerous historic disasters attributed to incompetent time traveler

Numerous historic disasters attributed to incompetent time traveler

TWIN PINES – Time traveler Ollie Capper was supposed to go back and prevent some of the world’s worst disasters.

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top