WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

New post voting gives readers illusion of influence

UPDATE: This story refers to a site that is no longer active, having been consumed utterly by a larger, better looking, more fun-to-be-around site – The Post News Times. While post voting is not available as pictured in the image, readers are welcome to like, comment, share, and whatever it is the cool kids do these days.

JANKYVISION HEADQUARTERS, GUADELUPE – Despite a lack of any popular demand whatsoever, JankyVision has added post voting to each story. You now have the ability to feel like perhaps you are helping to guide the direction of JankyVision Enterprises by directly interacting with our content in a way that is much less work-intensive than typing a comment.

With three options: “Awesome”, “Meh” and “Huh?” you can now accurately express the entire range of human emotions on any post. You can get together with friends and have “post voting” parties! You can Tweet “I just voted ‘Meh’ on a post about Metrolopithecus!” You can make a t-shirt with “Huh?” on it!

OFFER NOT VALID IN TN, AK, WY, WI, US VIRGIN ISLANDS, CAMEROON OR WALES. ONLY ONE VOTE PER POST UNLESS USER FEELS THE POST MERITS MORE NUANCED APPROACH. WAGERING ON PERFORMANCE OF POSTS IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED AND WILL NOT BE ACKNOWLEDGED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. DO NOT VOTE WHILE INTOXICATED. ATTEMPTS TO TAMPER WITH VOTING PROCEDURES OR RESULTS WILL ELICIT A STRONGLY WORDED MESSAGE AS SOON AS WE GET AROUND TO IT. THAT’S NOT TO SAY WE ACTUALLY READ, REVIEW OR EVEN HAVE A WAY TO AGGREGATE THESE VOTES. WE TOTALLY DON’T AT THIS POINT. MAYBE WE WILL SOMEDAY. IT’S JUST, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF WORK RESEARCHING, WRITING AND EDITING THESE NEWS STORIES AND IT GETS LONELY SOMETIMES. WE ARE NOT SHOUTING OR UPSET WITH YOU IN GENERAL, THIS IS JUST LEGALESE AND THIS IS HOW WE’VE SEEN IT DONE MOST OF THE TIME. SO ANYWAY, HAVE A NICE DAY AND ALL. FRIENDS?

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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