WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
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POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

New gadget to be militarized somehow

CAMBRIDGE – Inventors of a revolutionary new gadget are certain that it will be weaponized or used for some sort of military end at some point.

The Code Displacement Diodatic Geegawometer (CoDiDioG) from Handahofi Industries performs functions that are difficult for the layman to understand, but insiders acknowledge that it’s got excellent potential for cyber warfare applications or perhaps enhanced decryption.

“We’re not quite sure what all it does,” said Handahofi co-developer Mundik Corb. “But rest assured the armed forces will put it to use. We just make the stuff, we don’t figure out practical applications for it.”

A representative of the U.S. Department of Defense offered no comment on the gadget, but sources say they are “looking into it.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Archerfish kicked out of saloon

Archerfish kicked out of saloon

PLATTE CITY, NE – An archerfish was ejected from the Grunion Saloon late yesterday afternoon when he would not refrain

Hansel And Gretel Secure Path Home By Replacing Bread Crumbs With Circus Peanuts

Hansel And Gretel Secure Path Home By Replacing Bread Crumbs With Circus Peanuts

IRGENDWOHIN, GERMANY – The two children of a poor woodcutter have solved the problem of vanishing bread crumbs by using

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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