WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

New border wall to be made of indestructible plastic packaging

ARIZONA – The incoming Trump administration’s promise to build a wall covering the entire U.S.-Mexico border will consist of hard plastic clamshell packaging like the kind used for many products sold in stores.

“It’s a novel approach to border containment, and it gives us several advantages,” said Christopher Crossley, the transition official in charge of the newly formed Wall Department.

“At the top of the list is cost. This whole thing will run us just a few hundred thousand dollars. Then you’ve got strength and visibility. This material, as most consumers will attest, is harder to cut than brick or steel. And since it’s clear plastic, we can see what’s going on before anyone can get too far.”

Testing has been underway for weeks, but many volunteers who attempted to cut through the barrier gave up due to severely sore thumb muscles and scissor blisters.

Crossley expects a dramatic drop in illegal border crossings. “If you’ve ever tried to cut through one of these packages, you know how hard it is. After a while, you just give up.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Archaeologists discover Metrolopithecus, “Accessory Man”

Archaeologists discover Metrolopithecus, “Accessory Man”

MILAN – Archaeologists working in Europe have discovered a new species from the hominid family, Metrolopithecus Beckhami. The complete, very

The Power of Positive Drinking – guest post by Nyborg Batfish

The Power of Positive Drinking – guest post by Nyborg Batfish

The following is a transcription of an article from a short-lived publication in Athens, GA circa 1989. No record of

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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