WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

NASA: Previously unseen side of Mercury also covered with craters

OUTER SPACE – In a flyby of planet Mercury, MESSENGER spacecraft took some pictures that established definitively the existence of craters we could only postulate before.

“We’ve known for quite some time now that most of the surface is pocked with craters,” said amateur spaceologist and sandwich artist Blake Blealey.

“Now we have photographic proof that there are craters on the other side, too. That’s our tax dollars at work. I wonder if we’ll find out whether the other side of the sun is bright.”

Blealey then returned to his job, oblivious to numerous innovations in his daily life spawned by the space program, such as fire-resistant materials, smoke detectors and the padding in his shoes.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Mexican wrestler El Tryptophan defeats opponents by making them drowsy

Mexican wrestler El Tryptophan defeats opponents by making them drowsy

CIUDAD GUAJOLOTE – A Mexican wrestler (or luchador) who happens to be a turkey has been winning matches by rendering

Today’s Weather: All over the map

Today’s Weather: All over the map

METEOROLOGIST CHET SPARSELY REPORTING Going outside today will be a real mixed bag, depending on where you are. A number

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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