WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Mystery Machine recalled; wrong kind of caper

Zoinks Manor is famous for its chicken piccata.

ROCKY POINT BEACH – The crime-solving band of teens known collectively as “Mystery, Inc.” has withdrawn from the scene of a reported caper, finding the culprit to be merely a jar of the pickled buds of a perennial spiny shrub.

Fred Jones, Daphne Blake, Velma Dinkley, Norville “Shaggy” Rogers and their talking dog Scooby-Doo responded to the call while en route to a rock festival. The Mystery Machine (the company van) had broken down, and they happened upon an abandoned beach house where a radioactive, glowing skeleton reportedly frightened away visitors.

After agreeing to investigate, the team split up to gather more information. Jones and Blake remained in the van to discuss strategy. Dinkley searched the house. Despite some outlandish hallucinations appearing to Rogers and the dog, the team found nothing out of the ordinary – only a jar of capers in a kitchen cabinet.

“We fully expected to discover a local official behind all this,” said Jones. “Turns out it’s just the off-season.”

“It’s, like, anticlimactic,” said Rogers. “We didn’t even find the sort of delicious treats that make you want lick your whole face.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Conference attendee lays down all the cards

Conference attendee lays down all the cards

LACROSSE, WI – Reginald Davidson is completely over networking. He has abandoned all convention as it pertains to work events,

Anti-evolution decal depicts natural selection

Anti-evolution decal depicts natural selection

COLORADO SPRINGS – A fervent creationist has applied to his car a bumper decal that borrows from the ideology he

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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